January 1, 2010

I am so fucking bored...
There is nothing to do in this house and my cock blocking parents insist I stay home with them today..and most everyday of my pathetic little life. So I will fill my time by writing a sulky blog about how much my pitiful life sucks so I don't break my fast.

Today is the first day of the new year. January 1, 2010. So I can't fuck today up like I did the last day of 2009. Last night....I shudder at the thought of how many calories I carelessly consumed. Yesterday I had planned on fasting. I did so well...until about 6:00, that seems to be about the time I always break. :X Aimlessly I went into the kitch, pulled out leftover chicken, placed 2 pieces on a plate and placed it into the micorwave. Cooked it for about :45 seconds and then my gluttonous hands shoved the food into my mouth. I FAIL. Chicken=100 cals. Once I mess up, I get this mindset that I fucked up and then it just goes downhill from there. I'm sill somehow in some form in control. I always compensate what I eat by exercising on my bike. So I jumped on my bike and burned 300cals. Then feeling depressed and a loser I cooked a Lean Cuisine meal : broccoli and cheese potatoes. 210 calories. As if that wasn't enough I had to eat oatmeal later on that night 100 calories sure to develop into fat around my waist. Midnight rolls around I'm feeling awful and ashamed at how much of a fatass I am, I eat about 1 and 1/2 cup of fat free vanilla ice cream. DAMN. I havn't had icecream in sooo long and I figured I could mess up just one more time in 2009. Well I did that icecream =300. FML Then I ate a pack of honey and peanut butter crackers 200 calories. Granted I did stay on and off my exercise bike until I burned all the calories I had yesterday. I still fill like I failed. I managed to eat and burn about 900 calories. FUCKSHITDAMN.
Thats how I felt before I went to bed last night.


Back to today. January 1st 2009. Today has been so boring as I have mentioned earlier. This is what I've done all day.

-washed dishes
-folded 3 loads of laundry and put them up
-washing more laundry now :/
-Burned 500 calories on my exercise bike
-Played on the internet

I'm not very productive at ALL. There is just absolutely nothing to do around my house. Dammit to hell. I only biked to relieve my boredom and burn the sins of yesterday. I suppose I could go finish straightening up my filthy room. yeah.


I'm so scared to get on that scale. I'm afraid that I will have gained back the 4 lbs I lost after my fast. Awful feeling. More motivation to exercise more.

And my mom made a big ol pot of black eyed peas thats been slow cooking all morning, Filling my nostrils with wonderful delight. My nose, mouth, esophagous, and stomach all think that that delicious smelling pot of beans are going to visit them today. Resisting just a simple bite has been a ever so difficult. But I've managed not to taste it. My brain and heart and soul know that if I take "just one bite" that I will want more and more and more. Until I'm bloated out like a little piggy. I want control. And sticking a spoon in that pot and tasting that food, is not Deanna In Control. That is a scared little girl who thinks she needs food. I don't need food. Not today and not tomorrow and not ever. I don't deserve food, for my lack of self-control I deserve more hours on that bike, shredding my legs until they feel like noodles. I hate myself so much for breaking my fast yesterday, even if I burned the amount I ate, its not the point. The point is I didn't have will power to say NO.
...

Right now it is almost six oclock. I havn't ate all day, I can do this. Those beans in there are poison. Its toxic fat that hangs from my sides. Its not worth it. It will burn my throat with its caustic flavors. The fat in the hogjaw will clog my arteries and stop my blood. The fiber and starch cause my blood sugar to rise until I hate myself even more. Hunger is just in my head, I will tell it to shut up. I have control over this. Its just one day. Once I get over the first day , the hardest day, I can just float on until I decide to refeul again. FAT FAT FAT FAT. I wll not eat tonight. I cannot eat tongiht. I will sew my lips shut. Lock my jaw. I am better than this. I don't have to eat. I won't do it.

haha, I just found out that my mom is cooking hamburger patties as well. That makes me fucking elated. I absolutely hate hamburger meat. ALL those calories. She knows I wont eat them HA! Its so gross, all that fat dripping. Now I just have to pretend I ate something so they don't fuss at me or get even more suspicious.

I think I'm done ranting..
yep.