Okay. So its my spring break and I'm soooo glad. I needed a break from school, from all those douchebags & bitches. But mostly I need a break so I can effectivly fast. I have flawlessly planned this fast out. Plans help keep ME in control. I need structure and stability. The only time I truly feel in control is when i fast. So here is my plan:
Fast April 4th-15th.
-I have fasted before. I have fasted successfully. 6 days. This is 12 days. Its double the duration of my last fast. I am thinking that since I made it 6 days whats 6 more days? I like to push my body. Plus, I NEED to lose MAJOR lbs. And I will do whatever it takes. I'm tired of being this fatass. I have no choice but to fast to lose this weight. NO CHOICE. This is my last chance to lose weight before 1.)Prom and 2.)Graduation
Prom April 16th. I will eat a lite breakfast. I'm talking lite. Sugar free jello. Eat Lunch, salad-300 calories. Then eat at prom--get my grub on.
April 17th saturday after prom. DO NOT BINGE. Restrict 1000 calories.
April 18th-30. Fuck it, just do it. Its the only way I can lose large numbers in this short amount of time. Its my body. Sacrifice. I am sacrificing this month for the sake of weight loss, so that in May, a hectic month in my life, I can maintain my weightloss and lost 5 more lbs. CONTROL.
May-Restrict 800 a day. Have control. No binges whatsoever. In a 800 cal diet, I can plan out my meals and be full. I need to eat healthy for the month of may b/c I have exams and graduation.
I CAN do this, I MUST do this, I WILL do this.^^^^^
NO other choice. IF I don't fast april then I can't lose the weight. Get the right mindset. Tomorrow is the 1st day of my fast...Its going to be difficult. But I have made a list of things to do to keep me busy and away from food. I have calories in fat cells to live off of, I DON'T NEED FOOD. Fasting gives me soo much stress relief. No worries about gaining weight, no worries about calories, no worries about burning more calories than i ate. Its great. Mental clarity. and #1: WEIGHT LOSS. That should be a good enough reason to do it. Thats my number one goal weight loss. That and control.
Fuck starting tomorrow, I will start tonight. I don't need food. NO more eating tonight. Food is nasty, its greasy clogging my arteries. Fat cells multiplying by the second. No more. I will eat and be happy when I'm thinner on prom day. I am better than food. I have self control it is precious. No more double chin...that will be my mantra.
Starts now.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
January 1, 2010
I am so fucking bored...
There is nothing to do in this house and my cock blocking parents insist I stay home with them today..and most everyday of my pathetic little life. So I will fill my time by writing a sulky blog about how much my pitiful life sucks so I don't break my fast.
Today is the first day of the new year. January 1, 2010. So I can't fuck today up like I did the last day of 2009. Last night....I shudder at the thought of how many calories I carelessly consumed. Yesterday I had planned on fasting. I did so well...until about 6:00, that seems to be about the time I always break. :X Aimlessly I went into the kitch, pulled out leftover chicken, placed 2 pieces on a plate and placed it into the micorwave. Cooked it for about :45 seconds and then my gluttonous hands shoved the food into my mouth. I FAIL. Chicken=100 cals. Once I mess up, I get this mindset that I fucked up and then it just goes downhill from there. I'm sill somehow in some form in control. I always compensate what I eat by exercising on my bike. So I jumped on my bike and burned 300cals. Then feeling depressed and a loser I cooked a Lean Cuisine meal : broccoli and cheese potatoes. 210 calories. As if that wasn't enough I had to eat oatmeal later on that night 100 calories sure to develop into fat around my waist. Midnight rolls around I'm feeling awful and ashamed at how much of a fatass I am, I eat about 1 and 1/2 cup of fat free vanilla ice cream. DAMN. I havn't had icecream in sooo long and I figured I could mess up just one more time in 2009. Well I did that icecream =300. FML Then I ate a pack of honey and peanut butter crackers 200 calories. Granted I did stay on and off my exercise bike until I burned all the calories I had yesterday. I still fill like I failed. I managed to eat and burn about 900 calories. FUCKSHITDAMN.
Thats how I felt before I went to bed last night.
Back to today. January 1st 2009. Today has been so boring as I have mentioned earlier. This is what I've done all day.
-washed dishes
-folded 3 loads of laundry and put them up
-washing more laundry now :/
-Burned 500 calories on my exercise bike
-Played on the internet
I'm not very productive at ALL. There is just absolutely nothing to do around my house. Dammit to hell. I only biked to relieve my boredom and burn the sins of yesterday. I suppose I could go finish straightening up my filthy room. yeah.
I'm so scared to get on that scale. I'm afraid that I will have gained back the 4 lbs I lost after my fast. Awful feeling. More motivation to exercise more.
And my mom made a big ol pot of black eyed peas thats been slow cooking all morning, Filling my nostrils with wonderful delight. My nose, mouth, esophagous, and stomach all think that that delicious smelling pot of beans are going to visit them today. Resisting just a simple bite has been a ever so difficult. But I've managed not to taste it. My brain and heart and soul know that if I take "just one bite" that I will want more and more and more. Until I'm bloated out like a little piggy. I want control. And sticking a spoon in that pot and tasting that food, is not Deanna In Control. That is a scared little girl who thinks she needs food. I don't need food. Not today and not tomorrow and not ever. I don't deserve food, for my lack of self-control I deserve more hours on that bike, shredding my legs until they feel like noodles. I hate myself so much for breaking my fast yesterday, even if I burned the amount I ate, its not the point. The point is I didn't have will power to say NO.
...
Right now it is almost six oclock. I havn't ate all day, I can do this. Those beans in there are poison. Its toxic fat that hangs from my sides. Its not worth it. It will burn my throat with its caustic flavors. The fat in the hogjaw will clog my arteries and stop my blood. The fiber and starch cause my blood sugar to rise until I hate myself even more. Hunger is just in my head, I will tell it to shut up. I have control over this. Its just one day. Once I get over the first day , the hardest day, I can just float on until I decide to refeul again. FAT FAT FAT FAT. I wll not eat tonight. I cannot eat tongiht. I will sew my lips shut. Lock my jaw. I am better than this. I don't have to eat. I won't do it.
haha, I just found out that my mom is cooking hamburger patties as well. That makes me fucking elated. I absolutely hate hamburger meat. ALL those calories. She knows I wont eat them HA! Its so gross, all that fat dripping. Now I just have to pretend I ate something so they don't fuss at me or get even more suspicious.
I think I'm done ranting..
yep.
There is nothing to do in this house and my cock blocking parents insist I stay home with them today..and most everyday of my pathetic little life. So I will fill my time by writing a sulky blog about how much my pitiful life sucks so I don't break my fast.
Today is the first day of the new year. January 1, 2010. So I can't fuck today up like I did the last day of 2009. Last night....I shudder at the thought of how many calories I carelessly consumed. Yesterday I had planned on fasting. I did so well...until about 6:00, that seems to be about the time I always break. :X Aimlessly I went into the kitch, pulled out leftover chicken, placed 2 pieces on a plate and placed it into the micorwave. Cooked it for about :45 seconds and then my gluttonous hands shoved the food into my mouth. I FAIL. Chicken=100 cals. Once I mess up, I get this mindset that I fucked up and then it just goes downhill from there. I'm sill somehow in some form in control. I always compensate what I eat by exercising on my bike. So I jumped on my bike and burned 300cals. Then feeling depressed and a loser I cooked a Lean Cuisine meal : broccoli and cheese potatoes. 210 calories. As if that wasn't enough I had to eat oatmeal later on that night 100 calories sure to develop into fat around my waist. Midnight rolls around I'm feeling awful and ashamed at how much of a fatass I am, I eat about 1 and 1/2 cup of fat free vanilla ice cream. DAMN. I havn't had icecream in sooo long and I figured I could mess up just one more time in 2009. Well I did that icecream =300. FML Then I ate a pack of honey and peanut butter crackers 200 calories. Granted I did stay on and off my exercise bike until I burned all the calories I had yesterday. I still fill like I failed. I managed to eat and burn about 900 calories. FUCKSHITDAMN.
Thats how I felt before I went to bed last night.
Back to today. January 1st 2009. Today has been so boring as I have mentioned earlier. This is what I've done all day.
-washed dishes
-folded 3 loads of laundry and put them up
-washing more laundry now :/
-Burned 500 calories on my exercise bike
-Played on the internet
I'm not very productive at ALL. There is just absolutely nothing to do around my house. Dammit to hell. I only biked to relieve my boredom and burn the sins of yesterday. I suppose I could go finish straightening up my filthy room. yeah.
I'm so scared to get on that scale. I'm afraid that I will have gained back the 4 lbs I lost after my fast. Awful feeling. More motivation to exercise more.
And my mom made a big ol pot of black eyed peas thats been slow cooking all morning, Filling my nostrils with wonderful delight. My nose, mouth, esophagous, and stomach all think that that delicious smelling pot of beans are going to visit them today. Resisting just a simple bite has been a ever so difficult. But I've managed not to taste it. My brain and heart and soul know that if I take "just one bite" that I will want more and more and more. Until I'm bloated out like a little piggy. I want control. And sticking a spoon in that pot and tasting that food, is not Deanna In Control. That is a scared little girl who thinks she needs food. I don't need food. Not today and not tomorrow and not ever. I don't deserve food, for my lack of self-control I deserve more hours on that bike, shredding my legs until they feel like noodles. I hate myself so much for breaking my fast yesterday, even if I burned the amount I ate, its not the point. The point is I didn't have will power to say NO.
...
Right now it is almost six oclock. I havn't ate all day, I can do this. Those beans in there are poison. Its toxic fat that hangs from my sides. Its not worth it. It will burn my throat with its caustic flavors. The fat in the hogjaw will clog my arteries and stop my blood. The fiber and starch cause my blood sugar to rise until I hate myself even more. Hunger is just in my head, I will tell it to shut up. I have control over this. Its just one day. Once I get over the first day , the hardest day, I can just float on until I decide to refeul again. FAT FAT FAT FAT. I wll not eat tonight. I cannot eat tongiht. I will sew my lips shut. Lock my jaw. I am better than this. I don't have to eat. I won't do it.
haha, I just found out that my mom is cooking hamburger patties as well. That makes me fucking elated. I absolutely hate hamburger meat. ALL those calories. She knows I wont eat them HA! Its so gross, all that fat dripping. Now I just have to pretend I ate something so they don't fuss at me or get even more suspicious.
I think I'm done ranting..
yep.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Morning Thoughts
So day four of my fast, and I'm waay hungry. But I'm determined, I made it this far, I'm not going to fuck it up. I absolutely cannot wait to weigh in tomorrow!!! It's been so hard not to step on that scale. I'm hoping to atleast have lost 3lbs, if I don't...I'll prolly cry. I'm aiming to be 159 or below. Anything above that is just unacceptable. We shall see.
Fasting has gave me me a ton of time to just sit and ponder things. Really think ya know. This is what I've been thinking about this morning. I used to eat soooo much. Like seriously. Before my diet/obsession I would just sit around the house and eat. I blame boredom as the number one reason I ate so much. I realize that now. Looking back, I would just stuff my face because I nad nothing better to do. Emotional eating also got me too. Bastard emotions. lol. I would eat when I was sad, happy, upset, anxious...Wow such a lack of self control. Well I'm better now thank goodness.
I remember when I didn't even know what a calorie was. Now it's all I'm concerned with. I'm always looking up calories of everything. I have already memorized the calories in my safe foods. How funny. I can memorize the calories in foods but not my school work.
Well I'm unbelievably bored. I better go occupy my time with cleaning so I don't think about food. XD
Fasting has gave me me a ton of time to just sit and ponder things. Really think ya know. This is what I've been thinking about this morning. I used to eat soooo much. Like seriously. Before my diet/obsession I would just sit around the house and eat. I blame boredom as the number one reason I ate so much. I realize that now. Looking back, I would just stuff my face because I nad nothing better to do. Emotional eating also got me too. Bastard emotions. lol. I would eat when I was sad, happy, upset, anxious...Wow such a lack of self control. Well I'm better now thank goodness.
I remember when I didn't even know what a calorie was. Now it's all I'm concerned with. I'm always looking up calories of everything. I have already memorized the calories in my safe foods. How funny. I can memorize the calories in foods but not my school work.
Well I'm unbelievably bored. I better go occupy my time with cleaning so I don't think about food. XD
Monday, December 28, 2009
Fasting :)
So me and a wonderful friend of mine have been fasting for the past two days. Today is day three of our fast. This has been my first successful fast. During my past failed attempts at fasting I would go all day then at night I would end up eating something and hating myself. Two factors I do believe have made this fast successful. One is having a support system-Chelsie. Since were doing this together it's not as hard. Plus I don't want to let her down, that's just how I am. And the second is the whole control issue. Since control is what I strive for, learning how to say no to food is helping me grow stronger. I feel great. I'm thinking I can make it another day too :) I'm loving not eating but hiding it from my mom is starting to get a little difficult. She is starting to notice that I'm not eating...
I need to make it look like I'm eating in front of her. yep. Thats my plan.
I need to make it look like I'm eating in front of her. yep. Thats my plan.
Introductory blog
It's my first blog here woo! Lets see, My name is Deanna and I'm a senior in High School. I live in SC.
My horrible stats:
HW: 206lbs (September '09)
CW: 162lbs (December 26 '09)
height: 5ft 5in
GW: 125-130
Jean size @ HW: size 16/17
Jean size atm: 9/10 (at most stores, but it varies)
The beggining of this school year I decided to go on a diet to lose weight. I did some research and discovered all about calories, fat, carbs, and all that good shit. WebMD suggested I start out on a 1200 calorie a day diet, so I did. I followed through with that and some moderate exercise every now and then for about 4 months and then poof 4 whole months later I had sheded about 45lbs. But during this time, I became obsessed. I fell in love with losing weight. I love the feeling of accomplishing something. My 1200 calories a day dwindled to 1000 calories a day and then to 800 calories a day. Its been a rocky ride here lately. I even broke down oneday after a small binge and made myself throw up. I've never been a purger. But I made myself do it. And for like I week I would restrict all day, then at night, binge on like 500 calories and purge it all. Well I quit that shit. I felt like I was losing control once again, I hate binging so much. I feel like I've lost control. And this new year will serve as my year to find CONTROL. That's all I want really.
See my parents are extremely overprotective. They have a tight grip on every aspect of my pitiful little life. They control everything. What I do, who I go with, when I have to be home. Everything. They won't even give me a chance to show them how responsible I am. It's sad. I'm not a chest beating retard, I'm a straight A student who is self-determined. I only wish they would loosen the leash and let me be free. But God put them in my life for some reason, so I just pray about my worries and let Him help me.
Well that's my background and how I wound up here. Blogging really helps me get my feelings out.
Oh I would like to start ending my posts with a quote. Pro-ana or not, I'm gonna leave one that I like alot and that motivates or moves me.
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."
My horrible stats:
HW: 206lbs (September '09)
CW: 162lbs (December 26 '09)
height: 5ft 5in
GW: 125-130
Jean size @ HW: size 16/17
Jean size atm: 9/10 (at most stores, but it varies)
The beggining of this school year I decided to go on a diet to lose weight. I did some research and discovered all about calories, fat, carbs, and all that good shit. WebMD suggested I start out on a 1200 calorie a day diet, so I did. I followed through with that and some moderate exercise every now and then for about 4 months and then poof 4 whole months later I had sheded about 45lbs. But during this time, I became obsessed. I fell in love with losing weight. I love the feeling of accomplishing something. My 1200 calories a day dwindled to 1000 calories a day and then to 800 calories a day. Its been a rocky ride here lately. I even broke down oneday after a small binge and made myself throw up. I've never been a purger. But I made myself do it. And for like I week I would restrict all day, then at night, binge on like 500 calories and purge it all. Well I quit that shit. I felt like I was losing control once again, I hate binging so much. I feel like I've lost control. And this new year will serve as my year to find CONTROL. That's all I want really.
See my parents are extremely overprotective. They have a tight grip on every aspect of my pitiful little life. They control everything. What I do, who I go with, when I have to be home. Everything. They won't even give me a chance to show them how responsible I am. It's sad. I'm not a chest beating retard, I'm a straight A student who is self-determined. I only wish they would loosen the leash and let me be free. But God put them in my life for some reason, so I just pray about my worries and let Him help me.
Well that's my background and how I wound up here. Blogging really helps me get my feelings out.
Oh I would like to start ending my posts with a quote. Pro-ana or not, I'm gonna leave one that I like alot and that motivates or moves me.
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."
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