So day four of my fast, and I'm waay hungry. But I'm determined, I made it this far, I'm not going to fuck it up. I absolutely cannot wait to weigh in tomorrow!!! It's been so hard not to step on that scale. I'm hoping to atleast have lost 3lbs, if I don't...I'll prolly cry. I'm aiming to be 159 or below. Anything above that is just unacceptable. We shall see.
Fasting has gave me me a ton of time to just sit and ponder things. Really think ya know. This is what I've been thinking about this morning. I used to eat soooo much. Like seriously. Before my diet/obsession I would just sit around the house and eat. I blame boredom as the number one reason I ate so much. I realize that now. Looking back, I would just stuff my face because I nad nothing better to do. Emotional eating also got me too. Bastard emotions. lol. I would eat when I was sad, happy, upset, anxious...Wow such a lack of self control. Well I'm better now thank goodness.
I remember when I didn't even know what a calorie was. Now it's all I'm concerned with. I'm always looking up calories of everything. I have already memorized the calories in my safe foods. How funny. I can memorize the calories in foods but not my school work.
Well I'm unbelievably bored. I better go occupy my time with cleaning so I don't think about food. XD
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Fasting :)
So me and a wonderful friend of mine have been fasting for the past two days. Today is day three of our fast. This has been my first successful fast. During my past failed attempts at fasting I would go all day then at night I would end up eating something and hating myself. Two factors I do believe have made this fast successful. One is having a support system-Chelsie. Since were doing this together it's not as hard. Plus I don't want to let her down, that's just how I am. And the second is the whole control issue. Since control is what I strive for, learning how to say no to food is helping me grow stronger. I feel great. I'm thinking I can make it another day too :) I'm loving not eating but hiding it from my mom is starting to get a little difficult. She is starting to notice that I'm not eating...
I need to make it look like I'm eating in front of her. yep. Thats my plan.
I need to make it look like I'm eating in front of her. yep. Thats my plan.
Introductory blog
It's my first blog here woo! Lets see, My name is Deanna and I'm a senior in High School. I live in SC.
My horrible stats:
HW: 206lbs (September '09)
CW: 162lbs (December 26 '09)
height: 5ft 5in
GW: 125-130
Jean size @ HW: size 16/17
Jean size atm: 9/10 (at most stores, but it varies)
The beggining of this school year I decided to go on a diet to lose weight. I did some research and discovered all about calories, fat, carbs, and all that good shit. WebMD suggested I start out on a 1200 calorie a day diet, so I did. I followed through with that and some moderate exercise every now and then for about 4 months and then poof 4 whole months later I had sheded about 45lbs. But during this time, I became obsessed. I fell in love with losing weight. I love the feeling of accomplishing something. My 1200 calories a day dwindled to 1000 calories a day and then to 800 calories a day. Its been a rocky ride here lately. I even broke down oneday after a small binge and made myself throw up. I've never been a purger. But I made myself do it. And for like I week I would restrict all day, then at night, binge on like 500 calories and purge it all. Well I quit that shit. I felt like I was losing control once again, I hate binging so much. I feel like I've lost control. And this new year will serve as my year to find CONTROL. That's all I want really.
See my parents are extremely overprotective. They have a tight grip on every aspect of my pitiful little life. They control everything. What I do, who I go with, when I have to be home. Everything. They won't even give me a chance to show them how responsible I am. It's sad. I'm not a chest beating retard, I'm a straight A student who is self-determined. I only wish they would loosen the leash and let me be free. But God put them in my life for some reason, so I just pray about my worries and let Him help me.
Well that's my background and how I wound up here. Blogging really helps me get my feelings out.
Oh I would like to start ending my posts with a quote. Pro-ana or not, I'm gonna leave one that I like alot and that motivates or moves me.
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."
My horrible stats:
HW: 206lbs (September '09)
CW: 162lbs (December 26 '09)
height: 5ft 5in
GW: 125-130
Jean size @ HW: size 16/17
Jean size atm: 9/10 (at most stores, but it varies)
The beggining of this school year I decided to go on a diet to lose weight. I did some research and discovered all about calories, fat, carbs, and all that good shit. WebMD suggested I start out on a 1200 calorie a day diet, so I did. I followed through with that and some moderate exercise every now and then for about 4 months and then poof 4 whole months later I had sheded about 45lbs. But during this time, I became obsessed. I fell in love with losing weight. I love the feeling of accomplishing something. My 1200 calories a day dwindled to 1000 calories a day and then to 800 calories a day. Its been a rocky ride here lately. I even broke down oneday after a small binge and made myself throw up. I've never been a purger. But I made myself do it. And for like I week I would restrict all day, then at night, binge on like 500 calories and purge it all. Well I quit that shit. I felt like I was losing control once again, I hate binging so much. I feel like I've lost control. And this new year will serve as my year to find CONTROL. That's all I want really.
See my parents are extremely overprotective. They have a tight grip on every aspect of my pitiful little life. They control everything. What I do, who I go with, when I have to be home. Everything. They won't even give me a chance to show them how responsible I am. It's sad. I'm not a chest beating retard, I'm a straight A student who is self-determined. I only wish they would loosen the leash and let me be free. But God put them in my life for some reason, so I just pray about my worries and let Him help me.
Well that's my background and how I wound up here. Blogging really helps me get my feelings out.
Oh I would like to start ending my posts with a quote. Pro-ana or not, I'm gonna leave one that I like alot and that motivates or moves me.
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."
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